Gintaras: “…Let’s see if there are any questions…”
Question: “How do you endure separation from a very dear person?”
Gintaras: “It’s the same thing again… So, look at how you suffer from it. How is the process of your suffering going?”
Audience: “How is it going? There is a strong desire…”
Gintaras: “You’re thinking, right? You are thinking about it.”
Gintaras: “So you’re thinking and thinking, and the more you’re thinking, the greater the suffering. The more you visualize it, the more vivid the images are—the greater the excitation. The greater the excitation, the more you get the impression that the harder it gets, the worse it becomes… When it’s harder, you visualize it still more. You’re fantasizing again, creating it. You’re thinking about it.”
Audience: “But as they say—I can’t help thinking about it…”
Gintaras: “If you can’t help thinking, then suffer.”
Audience: “I don’t want to…”
Gintaras: “Well, who’s gonna put a hand into your head and regulate it for you then? It’s the same again: are you the master of your thoughts or are the thoughts… running around in your head with the doors and windows open.
Of course, people will threaten – you’ll turn into a robot if you control your thoughts… It’s not necessary to be a robot, why a robot. I let my feelings go where I want, and I stop them when I want. But how? It’s the same thing again and again—the control of attention. Don’t think…
Folk wisdom tells you the same thing a thousand times. “Son”, they say, “don’t pay attention any longer. Forget it.” What does “forget it” mean? It means don’t think.”
Audience: “Easier said than done…”
Gintaras: “So, well, easier… It requires practice, work… But in fact it’s not so hard to do… Not hard to do.
Just as you’re sitting here now, you know… “How… How can I stop thinking about it now…” Just simply, we’ve discussed it a hundred times.
Now just sit down and say – “what am I thinking about? Yeah, I’m thinking about that person. I’m thinking about that person—Oh, how hard it is for me.” Well – “stop. You tell yourself, stop. Choose something else to think about.” Of course, this subject is hot and it will knock and pound on your head for a long time, you know.
But you say – “stop.” It’s knocking, and you say – “stop.” You switch on the TV, play a movie. Play something which is… like a hobby for you—something you enjoy. Something powerful that catches your attention.
Another thing is – it’s real healthy to change the environment.
Take a trip… It’s the same again. Redirect your attention, shift your attention, go off. In order to create… What is travelling somewhere further anyway?.. It’s the presence of fresh, powerful objects that draw your attention. See?
It’s the appearance of the objects… That’ll make it a lot easier for you to refocus your attention. And it’ll be more difficult for that obsessive idea of yours to reengage your attention.
This is a trite thing to say—as long as you aren’t thinking about it, you don’t suffer. That’s how you suffer. It’s because you think about it, you see… You let it boil, and then… you yell that “it’s a torture to me”.
There’s just one more thing – that this is also a matter of your worldview, you know, like… You may say to someone – “don’t think”… and his answer probably would be “How can I not think, he was this to me, he was that to me…” Carrying on such delirium, you know.
OK then – think, and what difference will your thinking make… These people feel obliged to think, especially if someone dies… A kid, or a loved one, you know…
Then they seem to feel an obligation to demonstrate their torment, concern, that self-torture, that masochism… As if it could make things any better to someone somewhere, when in fact they’re only getting worse.
If you’re letting it boil, holding on to that connection – you’re tormenting that person as well. Because on a mental level – it’s mostly this mental anguish visualized by you. And that person already lives on a different level – and he is the most susceptible there. So this creates a whole series, fountains of suffering for him.
So don’t think, let go, accept the reality of life – it consists of such losses, you know, such trifles, you might say… Trifles, because in fact that person does not vanish. Yeah, this is a matter of your worldview, you know.
On the other hand, there is an element of selfishness here. How can you lose… Lose someone dear… Maybe you’ve been dumped by a lover, or someone died, you know… But in fact, it’s very often a matter of common selfishness.
“I’ve been dumped! ”, you know. It offends the ego, or maybe there’s some kind of calculation… And you’re thinking, thinking… Or maybe it’s… unrequited love, you know… He dumped me, no longer loves me… But it’s all the same thing.”
Audience: “But it requires a lot of willpower and energy… And if you’ve been already drained by it and are sitting powerless…”
Gintaras: “…It does require energy at first, you see… And so do all things… Here, you see what the thing is, it’s again the Universal… principle of inertia. The more you got wound up, boiled up that paranoia, you know, that intrusive idea, that obsession about something, the more energy and willpower it will take to stop it.
And when you’re already… living in such a way that you’re used to controlling it, then, you know, you don’t allow anything to have such inertia. You see what the idea is. If I have some thought boiling away in my head’, think about it uncontrollably, boiling it, then I’ll heat it up, and it will be real hard for me to stop it.
But since I have some experience in this… for example I say to myself – “aha, I see something coming up here, some topic is heating up”… so I say “stop. Stop! Another subject.” There are thousands of subjects. That’s it. The principle is clear.”
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P.S. This is a transcript from a VIDEO about how to ENDURE SEPARATION from a Very Dear Person?.
P.P.S. Also you can download PDF about how to ENDURE SEPARATION from a Very Dear Person?.